At this point in my life I knew I was a degenerate, but I was not, a bad ass. I idolized the idea of being a degenerate. I wanted to embrace it so badly. I wanted to be a crazy druggy with crazy stories. I wanted to run from the police and set things ablaze. Yet, I played dungeons and dragons and said, ‘ablaze’ as opposed to ‘on fire.’ I remember one time when a cable guy was hooking up my modem and asked if I had a surge protector. I handed it to the pot bellied tech and said, “I foresaw such a need arising.” He look at me like I was the world’s most monumentally pretentious a-hole. I don’t mean the kind of rebel-without-a-cause-dunk-my-hairy-sack-in-your-beer-for-a-laugh kind of ass. No, his looked clearly said you-god-damn-hipster-a-hole. I badly wanted to be the love child of Ari Shaffir and Opie Winston, but in reality I was more like a depressed stoner Kevin Arnold, Cory Matthews hybrid. Despite my best efforts, I was only a part-time degen, and I knew it.
Rules for the Part-Time Degenerate
(The following was written during one of the few Principles of Journalism lectures I showed up too.)
When Buying for the underage do not over charge.
If they get caught tell them to blame [1.]
Don’t buy for under 18.
When trip sitting do something passive. Only stop them from getting in legal trouble, hurting themselves, and getting online.
Don’t tell tripping friends, “they’re just tripping,” or, “oh you’re feeling it,” or, “that’s just the shrooms.” Let them enjoy it.
When you stop feeling bad stop drinking.
Test your drugs. [2.]
Don’t go to the E.R. because of weed or psychedelics. You will be fine. All going to the E.R. will do is force you to have an awful trip there.
Don’t rat out friends, or nonviolent dealers.
Don’t drive drunk. [3.]
Don’t let friends drive drunk.
Don’t pressure others to do drugs they don’t want to try. Offering and explaining that their preconceived notions are wrong, is totally acceptable. Pressuring, however, is not.
Don’t be a frat boy, or dude-bro
Dude-bros and frat boys are to be mocked. [4.]
Be polite in the taco bell drive through. Taco bell employees are your friends. Try to make them smile.
When intoxicated opt. for stand-up over movies.Only watch Ex-Machina on shrooms. [5.]
Board games are acceptable and fun.
Go camping at least once a year with drug of choice.
Remind Dude-Bros and Frat boys that legal drugs are drugs too.
Stamp out cigs, blunts, and joint. Aka do not start a fire.
If you prank your friends be prepared to be pranked back.
Take it like a man, or at least like a butch lesbian.
You are only allowed to be offended three to five times a year. For the other times refer to rule 23.
Don’t get her pregnant
You can have your beliefs, but don’t push them on others. [7.]
Being a vegetarian or vegan is okay. Being a militant vegetarian or vegan is not.
Feel free to take free things.
If you happen to come into money be generous, but don’t tolerate free loaders.
Don’t be a mooch. [8.]
Once per year attend an aquarium on mushroo edibles or mushrooms. [9.]
Never blow smoke in peoples face. [10.]
Don’t get pets high. [11.]
You can’t be mormon, or a member of scientology. Any other belief system is fine as long as you don’t push it on others.
If you’re a cheater be honest about it, or ask for an open relationship.
Only lie if the truth will put you or someone else in legal trouble.
If it makes you laugh you can’t be angry about it.
Read something every now and then.
Don’t be afraid to get introspective.
a. Kobe raped that chick.
b. O.J. killed her.
c. Casey Anthony killed her kid
d. Trump is a dumb-ass
e. Hillary is a warmonger.
Accept that sometimes you suck.
Don’t nigga lip the blunt. If offended see rule 24.
Puff Puff pass. Chat Chat later.
Keep your guests as medicated as they want. [12.]
But don’t let them get addicted.
Always be willing to throw down, but if your bro says he’s got it say thanks and continue on.
Oh dear god what did I write…
I wish this was as bad as my manic scribbling got, but… hmm... Let’s just say stay tuned for Part IV. In the meantime, please enjoy the footnotes below.
[1.] Name removed because I actually named someone I went to high school with.
[2.] I have never, in my life, tested a single drug.
[3.] I drove drunk all time. Hell, I drove on shrooms.
[4.] My roommate was a frat boy, nice guy. He even bought me coke once.
[5.] That day was one of the best days of my life. Mushroom tea and joints filtered with tea leaves. Smoke filed the air with a haze. The beige couch became my safe place. Door knobs swelled, walls breathed, and salt stains upon window panes held my hour long gaze. Cigarettes were smoked in the fresh air while I met the neighbor’s gaze with my dilated stare. Stems were ground and caps were chewed. The digital world within a game extended further into reality than any occulus, goggles, or helm will ever replicate. In time I left my dwelling, door unlocked. I drove, though truly it was more like gliding. I found myself alone in a theater, arms full of sweet and salty treats. I had what must have been a bucket of soda-pop. Then it began the most glorious film ever made by man. My mind was shattered. I was enthralled by the images and implications I saw. That day became the dragon I chased.
One day, I’ll tell you the story in its entirety.
[6.] No. I will not go there. To the credit of my past self that, my friends, is some truly degenerate behavior.
[7.] Isn’t rule 26 in violation of rule 27?
[8.] I am and always have been a mooch.
[9.] Okay, mushrooms would be more enjoyable, but far harder to hide.
[10.] I never struggled with that, but I did use lighters to singe people’s leg hair. You know as a sick and twisted joke.
[11.] I did this once and to this day it is one of my deepest regrets.
[12.] I usually wanted them more medicated than they got.
- April 2019
- March 2019
- Feb 13, 2019 It Happened in Iowa: Part III Feb 13, 2019
- January 2019